Butt logo casual wear should really be limited to those with butts worth looking at

I think this might be my first ever blog that’s not about writing dilemmas. I’m taking those first wobbly steps toward writing, not about myself and my own insecurities, but about a problem that could become an epidemic spreading across America through the back doors of Bingo halls, nursing homes and my local CVS pharmacy.

You know those gym shorts and sweatpants that have become increasingly popular over the past few years? I’m talking about the ones that lead you to stare at the wearer’s butt without even realizing it because you’re reading a strategically placed message or glimpsing the logo of your favorite sports team. I’m sure you know the style. No, I don’t own any, not one pair, nor have I ever tried any on. Since my butt has both the shape and depth of a non-curving wall, I’ve decided not to draw attention to it. However it is flat enough to sport an 8 x 10 advertisement without any of the letters falling into the cracks, or I guess the crack. I still have only one. How about you?

Anyway, to the point of this alarmed entry is that some people are wearing derriere message shorts and pants who really shouldn’t. No, I’m not talking about all those unfortunate teenage girls and over forty women who because of either blindness or halleucinations think they look good in them. I’m referring to the rotund seventy-five year old gentleman sporting size small, neon orange jogging pants with an Illinois logo stretched uncomfortably across his buttocks. The logo itself looked terribly embarrassed as if it was wondering “How did I get here? God, please don’t let the Indiana gym pants see me like this.” Why would a 300 lb. senior AARP member want to dress like his high school sophomore granddaughter? To make the image even stranger, the man was getting out of a truck sporting bumper stickers promoting the NRA and Ducks Unlimited. I don’t think other NRA and DU members wear 15 year old girls’ gym clothes.

My fear is that this wasn’t a one time, fluke kind of viewing. What if this sort of thing starts happening all over the world? What if trendy stores like Aeropostale and Charlotte Russe become flooded with old men in search of halter tops, spaghetti straps and hot pants? What if my dad comes to visit me wearing a strapless sundress?

It’s all too much for me to bare. It’s just wrong, wrong wrong wrong. I think I’ll write a message on my concave behind about the kind of people who should be allowed to wear butt message wear.

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