This needs to be addressed.
Sometimes a topic speaks to me, begging to be written about. It camps out until I sit down at the keyboard and exhorcize it from my brain.

Occasionally these topics are so controversial that even Geraldo Rivera and Anderson Cooper wouldn’t dare to approach them. However, I’m willing to take a tough and straight forward look at the human injustices that surround us, the ones that we don’t dare speak of at the dinner table for fear of offending someone less attractive. After all, God made them that way and they can’t help it.

Oh yes they CAN. And if they choose not to, then they shouldn’t work in the food service industry. Forgive me. I know that’s harsh. There are plenty of occupations practically begging for ugly people to apply—such as security guards, corrections officers and mad scientists’ laboratory assistants.

Some of you are saying “Hold on, I’m not following you.” Have you ever driven up to an Arby’s menu, completely starving, ordered your food and then in anticipation waited for your turn at the window?

Yes, I think we all have.

Have you ever gotten to the window and beheld a person (and I use that term lightly) so physically unattractive holding your food that you suddenly lose your entire appetite as well as your oatmeal from breakfast?

Click here to download my book, Just Kidding (not really) to read the rest of this and 60 other funny essays about life, marriage, kids and being neurotic.