A Marriage Just isn’t a Marriage without the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip


My husband James and I tend to agree on most things. We’re just sickening that way. Before marriage we had the tough conversations, the ones on the “must discuss list” according to relationship experts like Dr. Phil and Father Guido Sarducci. We talked about family finances, child bearing and discipline. We discussed politics, careers, cooking, toilet seat positioning, light bulb wattage, snoring and cover stealing protocol. We covered it all.

Through frequent and exhaustive communication, James and I have become as compatible as…..as…I’ll have to get back to you. However, last night, as we lay in bed, watching Fox News and having a mutual admiration society meeting, the granite foundation of our marriage began to crumble. Oh, the horror! The origin of this destructive fault was…of all things, mayonnaise. Not ketchup. Not honey mustard dressing. Not even wasabi. It was mayonnaise.

It all started innocently, just as Greta van Susteren finished torturing Barney Frank and broke for commercial, I said, “Honey, I think I’ll make a turkey sandwich. Would you like half?”

“Yes, Love Kitten, that’d be great!” replied James.

As I patted his leg and began walking away, he added, “but can you make mine with regular mayonnaise? I can’t stand that Miracle Whip crap.”

“WHAT!?!?” My disbelief morphed into shock, which quickly turned into outrage….

Click here to download my book, Just Kidding (not really) to read the rest of this and 60 other funny essays about life, marriage, kids and being neurotic. 

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9 Responses to A Marriage Just isn’t a Marriage without the Tangy Zip of Miracle Whip

  1. SherryTex says:

    What about the kids? What will they eat?

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  2. HAHAHA, Actually, Jack loves mayonnaise or Miracle Whip and Andrew refuses to eat anything on his sandwiches. He likes 'em dry. Thanks for reading, Sherry.

    Like

  3. Joanne says:

    Both my husband and I are Miracle Whip people. However, I have seen the confrontations between my kids and their significant others. Some people just need a little Miracle in their lives!

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  4. now I'm craving a turkey sandwich-thanks a lot! and yes, I prefer mayo too-sorry!

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  5. Michelle says:

    I'm on Team Miracle Whip.

    Like

  6. Boomer Pie says:

    We have same dilemma in our house. I buy both and let my hubs make his own sammies. I enjoy your blog and I signed up to follow. I'll be back. Drop by my place and I guarantee it's a Mayo free zone. http://www.boomerpie.com/

    Like

  7. Snorris254 says:

    Mayonnaise begins and ends with Hellmans…period. A true mayonnaise fan knows this.

    Yes, Duke's and Kraft are an okay substitute.

    But I can't live without my Hellmans.

    Miracle Whip? Yuck. Don't even try to get it by me.

    I once ate Hellmans mayo straight from the squeezable bottle to win a bet. Then I did it again just to prove how much I loved it. Sure, a couple of girls were grossed out but so what. It was yummy.

    Like

  8. Annette says:

    Angela, you are hilarious! Mayo is a serious family tradition in the South for sure! It would sacrilegious for me to use anything other than Duke's:)

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  9. luc24 says:

    Team Hellmans here! I actually think I made a mayonnaise sandwich or two in my younger years….a miracle whip sandwich doesn't even sound right…it sounds more like a knuckle sandwich, a fight…which I guess is how this whole blog post started in the first place 🙂

    Like

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