The Evil and Desperate Crime of Remote Control Theft

Today, while driving to Andrew’s baseball tournament, held at the “In-the-sticks regional recreation facility” in Blum Ruck Nowhere, we drove by a lovely brick building with a sign out front that read “Elaine’s Hairstyling and Tax Preparation.” You have to wonder how some business ventures are conceptualized.

“Well, ya know what this here town needs, Elaine, is a nice place to git yur taxes did while ya git yur hair did….or vicey versey.” I wonder if Elaine is somewhat of a renegade and said “not NO but HAYULL NO” to the standard nail and facial service add-ons that are typical at most beauty salons. Now that it’s past tax season, I wonder if Elaine supplements her income by doing financial consulting during highlights and perms. I wonder if she’ll eventually add other services to her salon, like, perhaps a crematory, lawnmower repair or pawn shop.

One thing about Andrew’s baseball coaches is that they like to celebrate victories….and, well, defeats too. They’re just positive that way. About a mile from the complex where they play is JR’s, a restaurant that boasts all wood paneling décor…. from floor to ceiling. It’s kind of like being in a horizontal forest without any leaves or grass. After a day on the diamond, we all wind up sitting in wooden chairs, pulled up to a wooden table, toasting well-placed homerun balls or the next victory. A few of us (myself not included) usually get quite toasted.

I was still contemplating Elaine’s business opportunities when Shannon, another team mom, confessed something to me that was so devious and coldhearted, just so downright wretched that I don’t know if I’ll be able to look her in the eye again without showing a little fear. I’ll certainly never allow her in my house…

Click here to download my book, Just Kidding (not really) to read the rest of this and 60 other funny essays about life, marriage, kids and being neurotic. 


This entry was posted in theft, TV remote controls. Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to The Evil and Desperate Crime of Remote Control Theft

  1. Jamie says:

    That's hysterical. Wow. Now she's a master of manipulation. I personally would throw all ours away. I've turned into a person who hates the sound of TV in background. But my husband just spent the last few days in worst mood — partly brought on by the missing remote for our bedroom TV. Great story.


  2. Wanda says:

    Take care lest ye become the person everyone confesses to. There are more bizarre compulsions than stealing remotes. Just sayin.

    Loved the forest without the leaves. There's one in every town in the South.


  3. MarryMead says:

    This had me roaring! The greatest caper I've ever heard of! Still screaming. Next time I get a sloshed group crowded around me, I'm telling this one with my typical embellishment, “Hey wait til I tell you the secret the girl that does my nails told me.” “Hunay, I take remote control…”
    Great story!


  4. Gotta wonder how many other maladjusted “friends” you have: “Doc, I have a 'friend' who picks her nose all the time. Do you think she's a bad person?”

    They say confession is good for the soul . . . even by proxy.

    And I hope you realize you've just set off a whole passle of copycats . . . myself included . . . except I'm thinking . . . car keys. Not as clever and creative as stealing the “blipper” (what we call the remote in my household), but meaner and more substantial.


  5. Sharon says:

    Stealing remotes is so cruel to men. I doubt most women would care that much. At least I wouldn't.

    My ex used to say, “My remote has more buttons than yours.”
    I responded, “Yes, but my buttons are bigger than yours.”
    Great job.


  6. Thanks, everyone, for reading my posts and for your comments. Hey Fartman, a big thanks for making me part of your blog roll. My maladjusted friends and I truly appreciate it.


  7. Joanne says:

    That was priceless! Good retaliation move with the boyfriend but the rest…that's just wrong!


Leave a comment, pretty please...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s