Strange, Outlandish and Frankly Bizarre Methods for Inducing Labor

*The advice below is strictly for entertaining and masochistic purposes. I am not a doctor and also must point out that I’ve been called a sicko on more than one occasion. Just sayin’…

My friend Savannah is extremely pregnant. 38 weeks to be exact. She’s at that stage where her belly enters the room a full 10 seconds before the rest of her. Savannah looks sort of like she swallowed the overly caffeinated planet Neptune with eight limbs and a penchant for martial arts. (I mean this in the most loving way possible. If they gave out awards for cute prego chicks, she’d win first place).

I was thoroughly entertained sitting across from Savannah and her husband Drew today, watching her mid section shift right then left, upward then southward on its own accord. On several occasions, I fully expected to see Baby Ava’s foot break through her mom’s stomach Jackie Chan style. I’m convinced that someone has secretly switched Savannah’s amniotic fluids with Folger’s crystals. That kid is off the chain.

As a person who’s carried two babies to term, I know what Savannah’s going through. She wants to have this baby. NOW. I remember distinctly that feeling of desperation. The 30 pounds I’d gained felt like 17 tons. I was tired, achy, short of breath, had acid reflux, cried at the least of offenses, could no longer fit into small spaces and needed to urinate every 90 seconds. The high point was having to be physically extracted from the restroom of a United Airlines 737.

Savannah is trying everything she can to induce labor naturally. She’s been walking, jogging, jumping up and down, stomping, eating spicy foods, praying, threatening and shaking her fist stomachward.

So, what can a girl who’s ready to pop to do to remove the 800 pound gorilla from her loins? Well, according to websites that collect data on the most effective ways to induce labor, there’s a vast agglomeration of exercises, spells, meditations and self torture that Savannah can try. Here are a few of the more outlandish methods.

1) Pineapple: According to smart, inventive and desperate researchers, pineapple contains an enzyme called Bromelain, which works like a prostaglandin, which softens a woman’s cervix (which happens to be constructed of steel, concrete and rebar). Okay, who writes the phrase “works like a prostaglandin?” Like we’re supposed to know how prostaglandins work, like I happen to have a prostaglandin lying around in my toolbox and upon reading this go “aha, it works like my trusty old prostaglandin.” I hope Bromelain doesn’t work too quickly or else you’ll be shopping at Walmart and suddenly drop a baby into the bottom of your cart…

Click here to download my book, Just Kidding (not really) to read the rest of this and 60 other funny essays about life, marriage, kids and being neurotic. 

This entry was posted in castor oil to induce labor, galloping to induce labor, how to induce labor, pineapple for inducing labor, visualization to induce labor, ways to induce labor. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to Strange, Outlandish and Frankly Bizarre Methods for Inducing Labor

  1. Sharon says:

    ROFLMAO! Still laughing.

    Good luck to mom and baby Ava.


  2. Thanks! Sharon, not sure what happened to the formatting of this piece. Arrgghhhh


  3. A completely insane woman ran the Chicago marathon at full term and delivered her baby a few hours later. She finished in just over six hours…ahead of her husband who is a little out of shape


  4. Anne Kimball says:

    Hi Angela, I'm Anne from Life on the Funny Farm ( visiting from Finding the Funny.

    Oh my gosh, this was too funny! I'm with you, I don't know what good castor oil would do. Though I suppose it's possible to end up like one of those women that claim to not have known they were pg who give birth in a toilet.

    Anyway, it’s nice to “meet” you. I hope you can pop over to my blog and say hi sometime if you get the chance.


  5. Anonymous says:

    Hi. Just wondering why no one would discourage your friend from trying to bring on labor when she's only 38 weeks along?


  6. My mom downed some castor oil when she was pregnant with me — still can still taste it 47+ years later.

    To add one more to your list — sex! Sex got ya in the situation in the first place and it can help finish the job. Semen contains the kind of prostaglandins that help ripen the cervix. And sex is one way to deliver 'em where they're needed most. All true — you can look it up!

    Funny stuff! Thank you for the giggles!


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