*The advice below is strictly for entertaining and masochistic purposes. I am not a doctor and also must point out that I’ve been called a sicko on more than one occasion. Just sayin’…
My friend Savannah is extremely pregnant. 38 weeks to be exact. She’s at that stage where her belly enters the room a full 10 seconds before the rest of her. Savannah looks sort of like she swallowed the overly caffeinated planet Neptune with eight limbs and a penchant for martial arts. (I mean this in the most loving way possible. If they gave out awards for cute prego chicks, she’d win first place).
I was thoroughly entertained sitting across from Savannah and her husband Drew today, watching her mid section shift right then left, upward then southward on its own accord. On several occasions, I fully expected to see Baby Ava’s foot break through her mom’s stomach Jackie Chan style. I’m convinced that someone has secretly switched Savannah’s amniotic fluids with Folger’s crystals. That kid is off the chain.
As a person who’s carried two babies to term, I know what Savannah’s going through. She wants to have this baby. NOW. I remember distinctly that feeling of desperation. The 30 pounds I’d gained felt like 17 tons. I was tired, achy, short of breath, had acid reflux, cried at the least of offenses, could no longer fit into small spaces and needed to urinate every 90 seconds. The high point was having to be physically extracted from the restroom of a United Airlines 737.
Savannah is trying everything she can to induce labor naturally. She’s been walking, jogging, jumping up and down, stomping, eating spicy foods, praying, threatening and shaking her fist stomachward.
So, what can a girl who’s ready to pop to do to remove the 800 pound gorilla from her loins? Well, according to websites that collect data on the most effective ways to induce labor, there’s a vast agglomeration of exercises, spells, meditations and self torture that Savannah can try. Here are a few of the more outlandish methods.
1) Pineapple: According to smart, inventive and desperate researchers, pineapple contains an enzyme called Bromelain, which works like a prostaglandin, which softens a woman’s cervix (which happens to be constructed of steel, concrete and rebar). Okay, who writes the phrase “works like a prostaglandin?” Like we’re supposed to know how prostaglandins work, like I happen to have a prostaglandin lying around in my toolbox and upon reading this go “aha, it works like my trusty old prostaglandin.” I hope Bromelain doesn’t work too quickly or else you’ll be shopping at Walmart and suddenly drop a baby into the bottom of your cart…