How to Diagnose Shooting Abdominal Pain and Find Hell, Michigan on a Map

As most of you know, I’m up in Bay City, Michigan doing training for my company Hospice Advantage. They’re great.

Okay, enough gushy stuff.

Something is seriously wrong with me, but I’m too much of a coward to go to urgent care….because I work for hospice and am used to sad outcomes. So instead I’ve decided to do random Internet searches based on my symptoms. (This is always proactive for creating hysterical hypochondria.) So far, I have bladder cancer, fatty liver disease, crystalline bladder cytosis something or other, a urinary tract infection, kidney stones, gall stones, diverticulitis, Crohn’s disease or an appendicitis.

Why do I think? Excellent question! As the flight attendant was warning passengers to PLEASE turn off our cell phones for the last time before she became violent, my phone rang. It was sweet Melixa from Dr. Kaur’s office telling me that my labs came back abnormal and I’d need to come in when I got back.

Of course, I immediately broke out in a cold sweat and shrieked louder than normal,

“WHAATTT? What is it? What do you mean? Oh crap! Oh no!” to which Melixa, a little less reassuringly than I’d have preferred replied “your liver is slightly high functioning. Lots of things could cause that. Dr Kaur just wants to do another test.”

A photo of my liver. iPhone cameras are amazing!

No sooner than Melixa had gotten that phrase out, the flight attendant, who was starting to turn green with muscles that ripped her shirt warned “hang up that phone before I snap your neck.”

Click here to download my book, Just Kidding (not really) to read the rest of this and 60 other funny essays about life, marriage, kids and being neurotic. 

This entry was posted in appendicitis, Bad Axe, Dr. Raina Kaur, gall stones or kidney stones, Hell, high functioning liver, Hospice Advantage, MIchigan, rude flight attendants, Saginaw, shooting abdominal pain. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to How to Diagnose Shooting Abdominal Pain and Find Hell, Michigan on a Map

  1. I dated a guy from Bad Axe in college. And I went to a bar in Hell, Michigan on my 21st birthday with a biker gang to have my first legal drink.

    Neither of these things are listed on my resume.


  2. Lol! Nicole! Go ahead! Brag on your résumé about these things. I, for one, would be impressed.


  3. Anonymous says:

    The same thing has been happening to me but they think it is endometriosis I also have diverticulitis but my liver is a an underachiever lol it does the bare minimum to get by. I hope you find a solution soon I know I have been miserable I am sure you are too. If I can help let me know.
    Denna Haddox


  4. Thanks, Denna. Apparently I just have a bladder infection and constipation. Sounds terribly sexy. I know you're jealous. And to think I was all prepared for fatty liver disease.


  5. I think you have an extremely active imagination. Great for blogging. Not so much for stomach pain!


  6. I feel like I'm really missing out for having never been to Michigan! I'm not sure I'm cool enough to hang in Bad Axe, so it's probably for the best.

    It sounds like they got you all sorted out liver-wise. Thank goodness. It's so hard to get a liver to slim down. They hate exercising. –Lisa


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