As most of you know, I’m up in Bay City, Michigan doing training for my company Hospice Advantage. They’re great.
Okay, enough gushy stuff.
Something is seriously wrong with me, but I’m too much of a coward to go to urgent care….because I work for hospice and am used to sad outcomes. So instead I’ve decided to do random Internet searches based on my symptoms. (This is always proactive for creating hysterical hypochondria.) So far, I have bladder cancer, fatty liver disease, crystalline bladder cytosis something or other, a urinary tract infection, kidney stones, gall stones, diverticulitis, Crohn’s disease or an appendicitis.
Why do I think? Excellent question! As the flight attendant was warning passengers to PLEASE turn off our cell phones for the last time before she became violent, my phone rang. It was sweet Melixa from Dr. Kaur’s office telling me that my labs came back abnormal and I’d need to come in when I got back.
Of course, I immediately broke out in a cold sweat and shrieked louder than normal,
“WHAATTT? What is it? What do you mean? Oh crap! Oh no!” to which Melixa, a little less reassuringly than I’d have preferred replied “your liver is slightly high functioning. Lots of things could cause that. Dr Kaur just wants to do another test.”
No sooner than Melixa had gotten that phrase out, the flight attendant, who was starting to turn green with muscles that ripped her shirt warned “hang up that phone before I snap your neck.”