It’s December 28th. Christmas was good. I meant to write about it while it was happening. But I was super busy… cooking, running around with my hair on fire (really. Darn baked Alaska), frantically wrapping last minute presents, being mad at my mom, trying to come up with a new/clever/exciting elf-on-the-shelf antic, running late for some various party and freaking out about it all.
Just one more gathering to host, then we can officially de-Christmas and go back to our regularly scheduled, non-holiday, running late, freaking out lives.
The biggest problem of the season was my card-buying faux pas.
I accidentally bought Christmas cards that read “Happy Holidays” on the inside.
A hopefully non-offensive photo of Jack’s snowflakes.
JAMES: “Honey, these say ‘Happy Holidays’? What were you thinking? People are gonna call us liberal, pagan, atheists who hate America.”
ME: “Nobody hated Bing Crosby when he sang it.”
JAMES: “Yeah, but that was before people realized that saying ‘Happy Holidays’ is the equivalent of being a card carrying member of the ACLU and Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, and being Nancy Pelosi’s first cousin. If we’re gonna keep any friends in this town you’ll have to cross it out and write ‘Merry Christmas,’ so people don’t accuse us of being spineless, politically-correct and bowing down to terrorists.”
ME: “But these cards are cute and they were on sale for $5. I could still use these and after ‘Happy Holidays’ write ‘but we DO COMPLETELY honor Jesus as our Messiah…just so you know.’ ”
JAMES: “Angela, why do you think they’re on sale? Andrew and Jack’ll wind up being shunned at school because of this. You don’t say ‘Happy Holidays’ anymore. You just DON’T!”
ME: “But I like the way it sounds, sort of casually all inclusive. If we say ‘Merry Christmas’ the Moskowitz’s might get offended.”
JAMES: “Honey, were you even going to send the Moskowitz’s a card? We never have before.”
ME: “Well, that’s an excellent point. I’ll just go buy different cards.”
JAMES: “And, stay away from the clearance section for once.”
So, I did buy more cards. But we still ran short and I wound up sending some of the HH cards out. If you received one, I hope you can find it in your hearts to forgive us.
And Happy New Year….unless of course you’re offended by the Gregorian calendar. In that case, have a good day, unless you’re offended by 24-hour time periods. Okay, then,….. be happy, unless you’re offended by wishes that you have any emotions other than what you’re currently comfortable with.
Well, okay then, goodbye….unless you’re offended by endings.
(I’m just gonna go now.)
*To the Moskowitz’s, please send us your address, and we’ll promptly get a greeting out to you (whether it’s offensive or not will be up to you.)