Today was one of those mornings where I stood there, staring blankly into my closet, convinced that someone was breaking in and stealing all the clothes that fit me. It happens a lot, actually. I stand there, bemused at all the dresses, tops and pants I’ve fallen in love with, purchased, worn twice and then never acknowledged again for whatever reason…usually weight gain. It’s a good thing clothes don’t have feelings or I’d be paralyzed by guilt.
To be honest, I have added a few pounds. I use the word “added” because it sounds like something I consciously decided to do, like adding a guest bathroom or adding another quart of Bacardi to the rum cake. But I didn’t go out and seek these seven extra pounds. They just showed up, like mole tunnels in the yard, even though I walk/run five miles a day.
If my friend Jessica were here, she’d offer some encouraging lie like “Angela, you’re probably gaining muscle mass. You know muscle weighs more than fat.”
Does muscle mass typically congregate around your midsection like a gelatinous inner tube?
It’s funny how anytime you complain that you’re exercising but not losing weight, the person you’re talking to is compelled to point out that muscle weighs more than fat. I mean, yes, that is technically true. But if you’re eating a three-layer birthday cake for lunch and then walking around the block once, I wouldn’t bet the farm that you’ll be Lou Ferrigno by next week.
People are essentially liars. And I don’t own a farm.
Jessica is also the first to say “well, something’s been going around” if you complain about a sore throat. But I think we all say this. Don’t you?
“Oh, you sound like you’re getting sick. Well, ya know….something has been going around.”
It’s like everyone’s way of giving each other validation and permission to be sick.
What if you were coughing and I abruptly replied “Knock that off! You know nothing’s going around right now!!! Therefore you have NO reason to be sick.”
But what I think would be a more interesting response to someone’s cough is “well, nothing’s going around right now. That cold is probably God’s way of punishing you for unconfessed sins.”
But I don’t say that because I try not to joke about God. Although I do think He has a sense of humor. Or else He wouldn’t have invented woodpeckers. An entire species of bird dedicated to banging their faces against trees all day. Don’t you know their beaks get sore. And other birds probably laugh at them.
In spite of exercising more than I ever have in my life, I think the real reason I’m gaining weight is because I’m 40. And that’s the kind of thing that happens with no explanation once you reach 40. You burn 1,200 calories and eat two raw eggs for dinner and still wake up three pounds heavier.
It’s like once you reach 40, no one is ever shocked by any physical malady that happens to you. Fall and break a hip at 39 and it’s a freak accident caused by an undiagnosed, congenital bone defect. Break a hip at 40 and people just shake their heads and ask if you have long term care insurance.
Okay, I’m going to go now. I say this because I can’t think of any other way to end this blog post. It’s like when you run out of things to say to an old friend you see in the grocery store. So you just abruptly end with “well, it’s good to see you, ok, bye.” And then you hope not to run into them again while you’re still in the same store. Because winding up on the same aisle together after you’ve gotten all caught up on each other’s lives is even more awkward.
I never know how to handle this. So I try to think of a funny passing remark based on what’s in their cart, like “oh yum! shaghetti tonight. What time are we eating?” But I usually wind up choosing the wrong item to focus on and say something stupid like “oh, I see you’re out of toilet paper too. ha ha. We sure go through it fast at our house.” Realizing just how ridiculous my comment sounds leads me to laugh uncomfortably and rush away a little too hastily. Which ultimately causes the old friend to think that I must’ve had a bathroom emergency.
Miscommunications like these are how IBS rumors get started.
Okay, I’m really going now. Bye.