Need a Laugh? Just Go Bra Shopping.

Yesterday I accidentally went bra shopping. While taking a shortcut through the Target lingerie department to get to electronics, I couldn’t help but chuckle at a tag that caught my eye.

Light Yet Powerful no Visible lines

This could describe a jig saw, a tube of caulk or a bantam weight boxer.

I’ve never needed a “power bra” before. What, exactly does that mean? If I needed to fight someone using my boobs is this the bra I should wear? Or does “power” mean that it has its own generator.

I became so intrigued with reading all the different bra features and benefits that I completely forgot about going to electronics to buy my nephew a birthday gift.

“Sorry, Tom. you’re not getting anything from Aunt Angela this year because she forgot to take her ADD meds and spent two hours reading about power bras.”

Lift Up and In Bra

First we’ll go up and then we’ll go in….on three, boys. 1-2-3 LIFT!

Lift Me and I'll Return the Favor

I’ve never had a bra offer me a deal before. It’s the “negotiating bra.” (Made by the same company as the power bra.)

IMG_4956

I’ve always wondered what happens at the end of 18 hours. Does the bra self destruct? Is it like a Cinderella thing where the woman looks at her watch and says “oh crap! I’ve got to get home before my bra explodes!” Fears like these always kept me from buying one.

Danskin High Impact bra

It’s one of those high impact fighting bras. Packs a Double D punch.

Maidenform Smartzone Cups

A Smart Bra. Now that’s something we could use. I want one with GPS and Siri and a camera.

Olga Lifts from Underneath Image

Well I darn sure hope it lifts from underneath. It’d be pretty painful and ineffective to try to lift from above…unless you were using tongs.

Bra Strap Image

Is this a bra or a fishing lure?

When reading some of these, I kept thinking “no wonder men can’t figure women out.” On the next few photos, try to imagine how your husband, boyfriend or brother would interpret the tags.

Warner's This is Not a Bra

Target Bras

Funny shapes? Like trapezoids? Or balloon animals?

Playtex 18 Hour Bra

Cooling Comfort? I don’t ever recall having a case of the hot boobs. I guess if this is a smart bra, each cup will have a little fan that automatically comes on when your cleavage reaches a certain temperature.

Danskin 360 Bra

For those who don’t just have boobs in the front.

Warner's No Side Effects

I think it would be funny if bras really did have side effects. “Do not drink alcohol or operate machinery while wearing the Warner’s Full Coverage bra.”

Moderate Lift D Cup

Up, Up, Up. A Little Higher. Right there. Okay, down a couple inches. That’s Perfect! Don’t move.

Lilyette Stay There Power Band

I told you to STAY THERE. Don’t make me get my power band!

Lily of France Add a Tude

Everyone knew not to mess with Amy when she was wearing her Lily of France Bra…..

Black Foam Bra

I hope it’s not styrofoam. A bra filled with packing peanuts would be sort of lumpy.

Stay There Power Band

I said STAY!

No Wire Bra

Does anyone else read this and immediately flash back to Mommy Dearest, the part where she flips out about the clothes hangers?

Warner's Puts the Girls Back where They Belong

I feel sort of weird about calling my boobs “girls.” Like they’re individual people you hire to work as your breasts. “Karen and Jessica are doing a great job today.” ….I thought Nicole was one of your boobs.”….”Oh, she was, but unfortunately I had to fire her for because of her sagging performance.”

Barely There Headlights are for cars

I think headlights should be for boobs too. Think of all the times when it’d be helpful to have a set of headlights in your bra. Like walking through a dark parking lot when you can’t find your keys. And now that it’s getting darker earlier, I could still go on my evening walks. I guess you’d have to have a dimmer switch for when you met other women wearing headlight bras…so you don’t blind each other.

Eliminate Back Fat

Back Fat sounds like a rapper’s name. “Everyone was shocked when Back Fat was eliminated in the semi finals on American Idol.”

Olga No More Underarm Bulge

This bra label doubles as a picket sign for when you decide to march on Washington to make underarm bulge illegal.

Bra Strap Image

I swear I have a tube of bungee cords in the garage that has the exact same label.

Balconette Push-up bra

A Balconette? Is that like a balcony for your boobs? Do they sit up there and wave at people walking by?

If you’d like to read more like this, click here to download my new ebook for your Amazon Kindle or Kindle app on your smart phone. 60 laugh out loud essays for only $2.99.

angela book cover

But wait! There’s more!

Okay, there’s really not more. I just always wanted to say that.

Advertisements

About angelaweight

Awkward, imperfect, ADD wife to tightly wound financial planner, mom of two boys, and rescuer of lucky stray animals. I should probably see a therapist rather than write a blog. But hopefully I can offer a few laughs along the way.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Need a Laugh? Just Go Bra Shopping.

  1. My 13 yo — home sick from school — informed me we needed go “underwear shopping.” She needs new underwear and bras. I was scared — and now it might just be a humor writing expedition. Too funny. Lift me?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. This is funny — and the second bra-shopping post I’ve read this week. Must be a sign I need some new bras! Thanks for the chuckle. 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Laughing…and laughing. Oh yes. Bras are on the blog agenda this week!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. elinwaldal says:

    Wow. Apparently bras are like a weather report, they have a million ways to be described and the majority of them just aren’t “right.” The notes you wrote to accompany them are priceless!!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. loisaltermark says:

    Reading this was much more fun than actually going bra shopping!

    Liked by 1 person

  6. CaptCruncher says:

    OK, this is too funny… what the hell does happen after 18 hours??? I love that you thought of that!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Cathy says:

    Glad you went bra shopping for me cause I hate it. Actually I went last week and saw similar signs at Macy’s Try me cause I’ll minimize and erase back flab. Yeah, right.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is hilarious. I went bra shopping recently. I’m still not over it!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. nfhill says:

    Wonderful light and UPLIFTING post!

    Liked by 1 person

  10. kimtb says:

    I kind of love the balconette. I think I have one of those.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This is so funny! Yes it is a sea out there when you go to the bra section of the store and very confusing too.

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Fun! Thanks for the laugh! I haven’t been bra shopping in a while, now I remember why! : )

    Like

  13. Hahaha I’m literally laughing out loud. I never really thought about how WEIRD bra marketing is!!

    Like

  14. Sarah Mac says:

    I have this image of ‘The Girls’ sitting in their balconette flashing my thoughts out to passersby in semaphore – ‘Hey lady – that back fat you got going on – you know you can get a bra for that?’

    I may need to get out more …

    Like

  15. Terri says:

    hahahaha, i needed this laugh today! They do have funny sayings on the pkgs

    Like

  16. I just realized how long its been since I have bought a bra!!! Now I am officially scared!

    Like

  17. Very funny post!! I never thought about this before. Glad I clicked over from Virginia Bloggers. 🙂

    Like

  18. Jennifer C. says:

    Hahah, oh my gosh, I’ve never taken the time to fully appreciate how strange and awkward bra shopping can actually be! You have opened my eyes, LOL!

    Like

  19. Susan says:

    You know, I’ve been wearing those 18 hour ones, and I couldn’t figure out why they would suddenly start biting into me… I’ve just (finally!) put 9 and 9 together and I realized it’s got to be the 18 hour alarm going off!!

    Like

  20. angelaweight says:

    LOL!!! So there is some truth to my theory. Thanks, Susan!

    Like

  21. OMG! Your humor is right up my alley! This was a perfect strike if we’re gonna stick with the bowling metaphor!!! Can’t wait to click the WordPress follow button! (Stephanie from Midlife)

    Like

  22. angelaweight says:

    Aw, thanks so much Stephanie. Looking forward to checking out your blog as well.

    Like

  23. Lol! Headlights are for cars! Hilarious post!

    Like

  24. This was freaking hysterical. I laughed all the way through it!

    Like

  25. You could have put a warning label on this post…the many members of the I had more kids than my bladder could handle club can’t just read this funny stuff all willy nilly…WARNING empty bladder before reading…Just sayin’

    Like

  26. angelaweight says:

    Aw, Kara. Thank you!!!

    Like

  27. Jean Ginn says:

    Every time i read this one I laugh until tears run down my cheeks. I think I’ll print it so one day when i’m feeling a little depressed I’ll just read this and feel much better.

    Like

Leave a comment, pretty please...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s