Seriously? Amazon Kindle Publishing Wants Me to Lose Weight!

After jumping through four dozen formatting hoops so that the Sith lords at Amazon would approve my ebook for publishing…and then thrice confirming that I am the author….and then crossing my fingers and toes…and praying for no more obstacles to my book’s release, the following email arrived this morning.

Hello,

Thanks for using Amazon KDP. During our review, we found that the contributor(s) listed for the following book(s) is misleading to our customers:

Just Kidding (not really) by Weight, Angela (AUTHOR) – Contributors contain these misleading keyword(s): weight

angela book cover

Contributors are the people involved in creating your book, including authors, editors, illustrators, translators, and any others who assisted with your book’s creation. Pen names are acceptable as contributor names as long as they are not misleading to our customers.

Please edit the contributor(s) of your book and all affected books in your catalog.

Best regards,

Kindle Direct Publishing

WHAT??? Are you kidding? Weight isn’t a pen name!!! And I’m not in love with it either, but it came free with my marriage. And it’s not like an outfit I can go home and change for a better one that meets the dress code. 

Nowhere does the email say “if this really is your last name, then please confirm that you’re not trying to mislead buyers seeking books on weight management.”

Of course not. It just tells me to correct my name…like I accidentally typed Weight when I meant Wright or White.

Well, Amazon, what if my last name was White? Wouldn’t that be misleading to those wanting to read about white stuff? Or if I used my maiden name Hall…Wouldn’t “Hall” mislead those looking for books about corridors? Did you give Stephen King this much grief about his last name misleading those studying monarchies?

I did send Amazon a response explaining that Weight really is my legal last name. They replied by sending the exact same email again. Their way of saying “We’re not playing around! Lose Weight or don’t get published!” 

Now what? I guess if I have to choose a new last name, I might as well jump to the best real estate in the alphabet….an A name. No more standing at the back of the line. 

And how do I break this to my husband? 

“Hey, Honey, if you start seeing mail addressed to Angela Aardvark…that’s my new name. It becomes legal on the 5th. I do still love you and want to be your wife, though.”

Aardvarks

These are aardvarks. How were we supposed to know that the cartoon character Arthur was an aardvark? He looked nothing like these guys.

Shoot!!! On second thought, Amazon would probably say that Aardvark is misleading to people researching nocturnal, burrowing termite eaters. Surely that isn’t a big target audience.

Maybe I’ll write them another email threatening to sue because I’m studying the Amazon rain forest and felt that the name they chose for their site….AMAZON is misleading. 

Until I get all this worked out, please send in your new last name suggestions. I might even make it a reader contest. 

Advertisements

About angelaweight

Awkward, imperfect, ADD wife to tightly wound financial planner, mom of two boys, and rescuer of lucky stray animals. I should probably see a therapist rather than write a blog. But hopefully I can offer a few laughs along the way.
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

29 Responses to Seriously? Amazon Kindle Publishing Wants Me to Lose Weight!

  1. I’d let you borrow my last name, but they’d probably say it exceeds the maximum number of letters allowed. Ridiculousness at its finest!

    Like

  2. Cathy says:

    My maiden name is NEW. I wonder what they would do with that one!

    Like

  3. Roz Warren says:

    Dear Angela Ardvark:
    “The Sith Lords At Amazon.” LOVE it.
    I’ve been wondering if I should publish with Amazon.
    You’ve just convinced me not to.
    Roz Giraffe

    Like

  4. angelaweight says:

    Hilarious, Roz!!! I think Amazon will be great if I can ever please the Sith Lords. Will keep you posted.

    Like

  5. angelaweight says:

    Cathy, I’m sure they’d toss it, unfortunately. Who knew?? (no pun intended)

    Like

  6. angelaweight says:

    Mary, I might need to take you up on that. LOL. Will let you know.

    Like

  7. Awesome. Angela Awesome. I don’t think that would be misleading at all.

    Like

  8. angelaweight says:

    I love it, Cheryl. Way better than Aardvark and almost as good as Weightstephenking

    Like

  9. staciafern says:

    Angela.. JUST Angela. Like Cher! Why not? Sorry you have to deal with this nonsense… 🙂

    Like

  10. angelaweight says:

    Not a bad idea, Stacia! Who needs a last name anyway?

    Like

  11. Wow! So absurd! Hope it gets worked out quickly!

    Like

  12. angelaweight says:

    Yeah, me too, Mary.

    Like

  13. janieemaus says:

    I think Awesome would be a great last name. I also think you should call them!

    Like

  14. kimtb says:

    I suspect you could solve with a middle initial…but really, that’s nuts!

    Like

  15. tamwarner says:

    Use the name you had before you married. Why do we change our names anyway?

    Like

  16. elinwaldal says:

    Wow, that is absurd. And I like your response to them about the use of the word, Amazon. Not sure what to say…that hasn’t already been said. Good luck!

    Like

  17. What’s annoying is it sounds like not one pair of human eyes has looked at this. Sometimes technology doesn’t work exactly the way we want it to.

    Like

  18. javaj240 says:

    Hall-Wright? Or Hallwright? LOL… IDK. It sounds like a crazy loop, though. I will look forward to seeing how you make out 🙂

    Like

  19. CaptCruncher says:

    Oh my…. As if the process weren’t insane enough. Seriously????

    Like

  20. loisaltermark says:

    WOW! I guess they’re really just trying to help you sell books but it may be worth thinking about using your maiden name, too? So crazy.

    Like

  21. Good night. Or good Knight. (That happens to be my neighbor’s last name. A published author, BTW.) You are too funny. Let us know how this ends, so we can buy your book.

    Like

  22. I questioned a sale they left off the graph. As few as I sell, it makes a big difference. I got all the techy stuff that did’t apply to my problem and when I replied to that they told me they were not going to discuss it further. I wish I could remember the exact wording. I always thought their customer service was aces. Now, I wonder. It was definitely an “outsourced” agent.

    Like

  23. WendysHat says:

    Oh this happened to my daughter just this week. It must be gong around.

    Like

  24. Musings on Motherhood & Midlife says:

    Amazon sounds like it needs a lesson on the power of social media!

    Like

  25. Sarah Mac says:

    A girl I once worked with double barrelled her first name with her middle name and became Carrie-Ann when she got married – all became clear when she revealed her husband to be’s surname was Hiscock … No help to you whatsoever, just thought I’d share …

    Like

  26. angelaweight says:

    Seriously, Wendy?

    Like

  27. Leah Clair says:

    You think YOU have problems? Give them our last name! 🙂

    Like

  28. angelaweight says:

    Lol!!! I love my funny neighbor!!!

    Like

  29. angelaweight says:

    Wow!!! virginia. We should form a mob and pay them a visit.

    Like

Leave a comment, pretty please...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s