Dear Santa, Thanks for the Toys, but Keep Your Hands Off My Wife!

Here is one of the 60 essays you’ll find in my new book. Did I mention I have a book out on Amazon Kindle?

angela book cover

Click here to buy it. Only $2.99, it’s perfect for the person on your Christmas list who doesn’t deserve a gift that costs more than $3.00. No hiding, wrapping or shipping required.


Okay, here’s the story.

This morning as I rummaged through the half-off tags at Good Will, I found myself singing along to John Mellencamp’s version of “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” on the in-store radio. Listening to Johnny Cougar confessing voyeuristic pleasure over watching his mother get it on with St. Nick was disturbing to say the least.

The more I sang along, the more I realized that “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” is a sick and perverted song, if you really think about it. On the surface it’s a playful tune about a child spying a moment of intimacy between his mother and the bearded man. But you don’t need a PhD to be alarmed by message it’s sending to children.

What gets me is that the boy in the song thought it was funny. FUNNY!!! He wasn’t shocked or ashamed to find Mommy in the arms of someone other than his father. He simply found the whole situation humorous. This leads me to wonder just how many times the kid has walked in on his mom making out with strange men…in their home.

It’s obviously a common occurence. The poor lad’s moral compass is so broken that he thinks nothing about Mom slipping the tongue to someone other than her husband.The fact that it’s Santa Claus gives the boy a chuckle. It’s like he’s saying “You Go, Mom!!! No doubt he’ll be bragging about it at recess tomorrow.

SICK!!!!

Maybe Santa’s real name was John and he hired Mommy to be his “ho, ho, ho.” Maybe Santa’s her dealer…or even her pimp. We don’t know because the song doesn’t tell us.

What we can safely assume is that Mom slings it around enough that her kid, having witnessed it time and again, is completely desensitized to her actions and even finds her whorish behavior to be a little charming.

I have to give her credit for waiting until her son is supposed to be “tucked up in his bedroom fast asleep.” But STILL! Does screwing around on your husband with a fictional character become acceptable after the kids have gone to bed?

The last line of the song goes “oh what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.”

Yeah, Kid, it’s always hilarious, just a huge belly laugh, when men catch their wives committing adultery. Wouldn’t that make a good scrapbook page! I suppose you wouldn’t be laughing if Dad had walked in with an Uzi. The last line of the song would have Santa returning to the North Pole in a body bag.

Or even worse yet, what if Daddy is all into that kind of thing? What if he’s turned on by seeing his wife with another man? Maybe that’s what the kid thought was funny…Mommy having a threesome with Daddy and Santa Claus?

Why hasn’t Child Protective Services gotten involved? This boy should obviously be removed from the home and sent to live with a nice Quaker family. If someone doesn’t intervene soon, he’ll wind up another sad statistic of this country’s plunging values and priorities.

Has anyone questioned Santa, the mom or any other potential witnesses to verify whether the kid’s story is true? How many other families are being recklessly torn apart by St. Nick? We may have another Bill Cosby on our hands.

And the bigger question, gifts or not, is this really the kind of person you want sneaking into your house in the middle of the night?

Clearly, we as a society must be more vigilant in screening our music, our spouses’ loyalty and the red-suited perverts who may be lurking in our chimneys.

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About angelaweight

Awkward, imperfect, ADD wife to tightly wound financial planner, mom of two boys, and rescuer of lucky stray animals. I should probably see a therapist rather than write a blog. But hopefully I can offer a few laughs along the way.
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10 Responses to Dear Santa, Thanks for the Toys, but Keep Your Hands Off My Wife!

  1. loisaltermark says:

    Ha ha! I always thought that was a creepy song, too. Why would anyone sing about their mother kissing Santa? Ew!

    Like

  2. nfhill says:

    Obviously this was just one of the countless ways the silent generation tried to screw up boomers!

    Like

  3. kimtb says:

    Hmmm, I always kind of liked that song. But I remember my oldest daughter not wanting Santa to actually come into our home. She requested that he leave her gifts on our front porch. So we told her that he did follow her instructions, and we brought everything inside for her.

    Like

  4. angelaweight says:

    Lol, too funny, Kim. Maybe it was because of the song.

    Like

  5. kimdalferes says:

    Wow, sure opened my eyes to this one. Now, what about the true meaning behind the 12 Days of Christmas? All those animals – where is PETA? And the whole eight maids a milking is surely code for orgy, right? 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  6. angelaweight says:

    Abdolutely, Kim! Thats another blog campaign waitingbto happen. Ill be contacting PETA right away.

    Like

  7. WendysHat says:

    I always found the song somewhat strange myself. Funny writings here! You are good and thought provoking and funny! I bet your book is great too!

    Like

  8. yeah that is kinda creepy! I just read the lyrics and yikes! I always assumed the kid saw the dad dressed up as Santa and he was kissing her…until I read the lyrics lol.

    Like

  9. angelaweight says:

    Well, thats what we’re all supposed to think. But what if it wasnt the dad?

    Like

  10. Hilarious!!! Although, maybe that’s what Mommy was wishing for!

    Like

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