James Bought the Farm for Christmas.

The other day, James returned from a business trip, announcing with assurance that he’d found an awesome deal on 40 acres for hunting/farming that just happens to come with a vacation cottage and a boat.

“It’s just two miles from Bugg’s Island Lake in Charlotte County.”

1) Life has taught me that the phrase “awesome deal” is usually accompanied by neighbors pressuring you to join their Amway down-line and potentially make a million dollars selling soap to every human you’ve ever met (or die trying)…or your cousin wanting to sell you his just-out-of-warranty pickup truck that mysteriously has no title.

If “awesome deal” were an animal, it would be something brightly colored like a poison dart frog.

2) Do we get a mule too? And where’s Charlotte County? And who names a lake Bugg’s Island? Sounds like the place where Evinrude and the other critters lived in Disney’s The Rescuers.

3) Since when have we been in the market for land to hunt or farm or play Doomsday Preppers? I didn’t know we were real estate shopping.

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This is the closest picture I could find to me looking skeptical and James looking real-estate happy. We don’t utilize those poses enough in photography. Now “who has gas” and “trying to look nonchalant,” yeah, we’ve got hundreds of those….And, no, my eyes didn’t get stuck that way.

So James and I drove an hour-and-a-half south to the town of Red Oak where we met a very down-to-earth realtor named Chad who used the expression “as the crow flies” more often than I was personally comfortable with.

At least twice when he was explaining how close the acreage was to “this landmark” or “that historic settlement,” I had to remind him that we’re not crows, but flightless humans, dependent on vehicles and roads and navigational devices.

It didn’t take long to see why the property was so cheap. But with a little TLC, some C4 explosives and perhaps a well-trained exorcist, I could picture the cottage one day gracing the cover of Country Living. Or at least becoming a respectable meth lab.

“We could come down here on the weekends to unwind, work the land, and fix up the house. Every family needs a project to work on together. Don’t you think, Honey?” James emphasized that last part the same way one claims to look forward to a stint in prison.

“Well, I was starting to get bored. I mean, once you’ve located all your kitchen utensils and power tools after a big move, then it’s clearly time to invest in a money pit or have another kid…or both.”

As we walked the property, listening to Tour Guide Chad make comments like “I knew I should’ve brought a machete,” an adventurous smile played across James’ face. I’d seen that look several times throughout our marriage, always followed by the phrase “let me get my checkbook.”

My expression remained frozen in horror.So I took pictures. Ya know, those “before” photos everyone needs to remind them where their psychological decline project began.

I wonder if TLC would be interested in televising our story. If not them, maybe Investigation Discovery.

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What a jewel! It’s got that “not occupied since the 1970’s” look. James says it has good bones, which was ironic in a horror movie sort of way because we kept finding bones lying around. But I’m trying not to dwell on that.

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I half expected the stairs to open up, exposing a fire-breathing dragon like on the intro of the Munsters.

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Shabby Chic!

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I’d like to know what the argument was about that led to a person being thrown through that wall.

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Who needs a notepad when you’ve got walls?

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Should it creep me out that there were pad locks on all the bedroom doors? Nah…everyone does that. Right?

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Loving hand print art? Or evidence of hostages trying to escape?

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Look, Honey! The Bonus Room!

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I kept wondering if there was, perhaps, a foot… or an entire body still attached to this partially buried shoe.

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Yay! It comes with a pet!!! This was just inside the front door.

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The land is really pretty. James and the boys are excited about the potential.

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And here’s the boat. Comes with its own tree. Apparently the trailer was sold out from under it a couple of decades ago.

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Front porch selfie on the property that will officially be ours in about 25 days. I keep reminding myself that my husband has excellent instincts, sees potential where I’m blind to it and has never steered us wrong before. He’s excited about this adventure. Maybe it’ll be fun.

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8 Responses to James Bought the Farm for Christmas.

  1. WendysHat says:

    Oh my goodness! What an adventure for sure but I agree it looks right out of a horror movie! Eek! I definitely need to hear the rest of this story!

    Like

  2. Patricia says:

    That is/was a hysterical read. I am not sure. You did or you didn’t buy. Either way I love the adventure.

    Like

  3. Congratulations! Sounds like you’re in for a fun time! I can’t wait to see the “after” pictures when you’ve made it all warm and cozy. Enjoy!

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  4. Seriously great headline–and now, we await the many renovation disaster posts that are coming! Only kidding, but God bless you!

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  5. Did you actually buy this??? I’m thinking…..travel, instead.

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  6. tamwarner says:

    did you actually buy? You must really like to work. If it were me, I’d say, “husband, are you out of your mind?”
    and go traveling.

    Like

  7. loisaltermark says:

    Wow, that is definitely a fixer upper! Can’t wait to follow your adventures and watch the, um, iffy before turn into an amazing after!

    Like

  8. You are a very brave woman (either that or you had no choice). I’ll watch for your episode on TLC!

    Like

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