Just in time for Valentine’s Day, here’s one of my most popular posts ever. It’s also in my ebook, which would be a great and inexpensive gift for your spouse, girlfriend, mail carrier, parole officer, taxidermist, obgyn, congressman, shady accountant, socially awkward Rob Lowe….pretty much everyone you know.
Click here to download it to your Kindle or smart phone’s Kindle app.
okay…onto the post…
With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, we’re bombarded by advertising. Most is directed toward guys…because they rely heavily on ads to tell them what to buy their gals for holidays. That way they don’t have to think. If a company were to market yak manure as the perfect Valentine’s gift, you can be darn sure that hundreds of men would send it to their sweethearts. Run a commercial with a few hot models oohing and ahhing over a steaming pile of droppings, and orders would pour in by the shit load. (Sorry, I couldn’t resist).
Now a word of caution.
I’m not sure what I’d like for V-Day, but I can guarantee with 100-percent certainty that it isn’t a teddy bear from the Vermont Teddy Bear Company. Yes, you’ve seen the commercials, running 386 times a day on every cable network with even one male viewer.
The ads feature attractive, female recipients, ages 20 to 40-something, thrilled to receive an over-priced stuffed animal…that “arrives as a Bear-Gram gift, packed inside our fun and colorful gift box with air hole complete with a personalized card and gourmet candy.”
Maybe in my 36.9 years I’ve lost touch with the true concept of “fun” but I’ve never been one to consider a gift box to be fun…unless it was a box of wine nestled in 20 pounds of bubble wrap.
Popular Vermont teddy bear themes include:
– “I’ve Fallen for You” bear that comes complete with a bandage and crutch.
– “Love at First Bite” vampire bear, which is dressed like a black street corner pimp. If that doesn’t say “true love, then nothing does!” …
– “Hooked on You” bear, which looks like Paddington as a transvestite pirate.
– Perhaps my favorite is the ‘Hoodie/Footie bear, dressed in pink footed pajamas with its paws in the pockets looking like “what? I didn’t do anything.” The best part, though, is that Hoodie/Footie Bear also comes with women’s size pink footed pajamas allowing you to be twins with your teddy bear.
(I so wish I could show photos, but there’s that stupid copyright thing. Visit their website and see for yourself. Based on these women’s excitement, you’d think the bears come with at least one vibrating appendage.)
My question to Vermont Teddy Bear Company executives is this…
Do you think we’re toddlers? How many women over the age of six, with an IQ above 50, would actually hope to receive a stuffed animal for any holiday… and then want to dress themselves up like it?
If you were marketing these for dads to give to their little girls, it would make sense, but wives and girlfriends? Yeah, maybe if you’re targeting pedophiles!
Not even when I was a kid did I ever look over at my teddy bear collection and think “Gosh, I’d sure like to have my own “hug me” t-shirt like Snuggle Bear is wearing.” I know some girls did, though. The American Girl Doll craze is a classic example. But, again, those are for kids. Not grown women with jobs and kids and dinner to plan and PMS and depleted 401k’s.
I don’t want a FREAKIN’ TEDDY BEAR or the ridiculous matching jammies!
I want Jewelry! Botox! A Caribbean Cruise! A Spanx Wardrobe! Bladder Control! My pre-childbirth boobs back!
So, James, if you’re reading this, I don’t care how many Vermont Teddy Bear commercials you see between now and Monday, Never …in any realm of the imagination, unless I sustain a brain altering head injury, will I want one of those God forsaken carnival prizes. I don’t care what it’s wearing, or what I could wear to match!
Any man who would buy one of those for his wife deserves to have it shoved up his rear stuffed animal cavity.