Pip Squeaker Shoes: A Surefire Way to Make Your Toddler Want to Murder You

This morning at Kroger, I was strongly tempted to put down the cantaloupe I was checking for freshness and call DFACS about the cute, yet neurologically abusive shoes a mom was making her daughter wear. Yep, I’m sure you’ve already guessed it. They were the kind with squeakers.(Squeakers, Little Green Trikes, Wee Squeak Baby Shoes, Pip Squeakers Little Monkey Feet: These are some of the common street names.)

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What kind of sadistic kids’ footwear company would manufacture shoes with  squeakers in the soles? So that with EVERY step the poor kid takes, he or she hears squeak, squeak, squeak. As if learning to take steady, unassisted steps isn’t difficult enough, having to deal with the accompaniment of shrill, annoying noise pollution is just maddening.

Hey parent, you think it’s so blasted cute watching your daughter confusedly try to figure out where that noise is coming from with each wobbly step she takes. Do YOU enjoy realizing that you accidentally selected the squeaky shopping cart at WalMart?

“Oh freakin’ yay, for the next 45 minutes, I get to listen to that unpleasant, whistling sound with every wheel rotation. Forget it! I’m going back to get another one.”

Sure, at first the kid is mildly amused with the squeaking novelty, but after half an hour, the neurological effect rivals Chinese water torture. You silly moms probably think your kid is toddling all over the house for his own amusement. But really, he’s searching desperately for the liquor cabinet, so he can drown out the racket.

And think of the unfortunate siblings and pets who have to endure this! For those with super sensitive ears, the nervous system damage is similar to that of second-hand smoke.

(an actual defense from a squeaky shoe buying mom)

“I like them because I can hear my daughter wherever she goes. I know where she is even when she’s out of my sight.”

Sure, Mrs. Einstein, I bet your cat, the one with the anxiety disorder, has a bell on his collar too. That’s why you keep catching him stealing your Xanax.

Here’s an idea! Put down your phone and actually watch where your daughter is running off to. Then you won’t need the squeakers. Then, 15 years from now, she won’t shoot you with a 44 Magnum while you sleep.

(Did you see the little girl running and screaming to escape the auditory cruelty?)

No research has been done on the long term effects of squeaky toddler shoes (I Googled it.) But I’m pretty sure that in a few years a disturbing similarity will emerge among America’s petty thieves, arsonists, serial killers, drug abusers, sexual predators and fanny pack wearers. And the root cause will be undeniable.

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I’m told that the guy getting arrested in this photo wore squeaky shoes as a baby.

If you know someone who puts squeaky shoes on their child, it’s your responsibility to closely follow this person around, rhythmically sounding an air horn for hours at a time. It might also help to buy them season one of Criminal Minds on DVD. Be sure to tape photos of their precious child wearing the squeaky shoes all over the box. You might need to draw an arrow from the title down to the shoes. (some people need hints.)

If you’d like to read more essays like this one, click here to download my new ebook for your Amazon Kindle or Kindle app on your smart phone. 60 laugh out loud essays for only $2.99.

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But wait! There’s more!

Okay, there’s really not more. I just always wanted to say that.

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This entry was posted in Criminal Minds, Little Green Trike, Little Monkey Feet, Pip Squeakers, Squeaky Toddler Shoes, Wee Squeak. Bookmark the permalink.

32 Responses to Pip Squeaker Shoes: A Surefire Way to Make Your Toddler Want to Murder You

  1. Hahaha!! Love this post!! I didn’t realize they still made these?? 25 years ago I was given a pair as a baby shower present. I felt obligated to send a thank you note but I wanted to include some Valvoline motor oil and write, “you know what they say about the Squeaky Wheel…”

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  2. angelaweight says:

    Thank!!!! That would’ve been a seriously funny thank you note. Yep, those shoes are alive and selling. I can’t imagine why, though.

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  3. Seriously? There’s such a thing? How absurd is that? Wait, you just answered that question, didn’t you?

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  4. mamabyfire says:

    Oh, wow!! I have never heard of these shoes! I really hope nobody in my family discovers them and thinks they would be a great gift. I have two toddlers, I can only handle so much noise.

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  5. angelaweight says:

    Be glad you haven’t been exposed to their noise pollution. Fingers crossed that no one gives you a pair. 😃

    Liked by 1 person

  6. angelaweight says:

    Lol, yep Karen. Wait ll you hear them.

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  7. Seriously? Crazy. Welll, Riley would chase the kids, I can say that for sure. He loves a good squeak!

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  8. nfhill says:

    Humor, yes. But there is truth in what you say: “Here’s an idea! Put down your phone and actually watch where your daughter is running off to. Then you won’t need the squeakers.”

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  9. angelaweight says:

    I’m glad you agree. There are too many products these days that make raising children so “convenient.” Like squeeze packet baby food allows them to feed themselves. That makes me sad.

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  10. angelaweight says:

    Katie does too, Carol.

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  11. doreenb8 says:

    The shoes with the lights are only slightly less annoying:)

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  12. angelaweight says:

    So true, Doreen.

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  13. Amanda Evans says:

    Ahh I’m with you! I’ll never understand those shoes and feel bad for the confused little ones as well! Even when my toddler isn’t playing directly with my eyes on him…I can ALWAYS hear him PLENTY…no special shoes required haha. Totally enjoyed your humorous take on it!

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  14. Toni McCloe says:

    I never heard of these either. (When my kids were little, all their shoes were Buster Browns and serious!) Your post made me laugh out loud. Kroger? Do you live in Atlanta?

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  15. OMG I can’t believe that not only are these manufactured but that parents purchase them. Marketing is everything, but those kids must hate wearing them. Ugh.

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  16. Oh, gosh. We had them 30 years ago. We called them pico-pico shoes. They were red plastic clogs from China with a duck decal. I don’t recall if they sqeaked with every step. They were snapped up at the garage sale. We also had pico-pico mittens. A seal stole one right off my daughter’s hand. He was crazy about it and having a wonderful time. The zoo mailed it back to me with only a few bite marks. I have not yet seen/heard of the new kind, but I love the light up ones. I have a 3 year old grand daughter, so. . .

    Liked by 1 person

  17. OMG! That would make me a stark raving lunatic within seconds. Good grief!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. I abhor anything that jingles, jangles, sings, screeches or squeaks with a person’s every move. I used to work with a woman who, come December, would add a jingle bell to her shoes each day so by Dec. 25 she could be heard coming from two floors above. Drove. Me. Nuts. (And ruined any holiday spirit around the office because NONE of us enjoyed that noise and stayed on edge until Dec. 26.)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. This is a ‘thing’? Boy, I’m out of the loop. Shoe lace ‘loop’ that is.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. I’ve always hated squeaky shoes. I much prefer the light-up ones.

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  21. janieemaus says:

    This is hilarious and just what I needed to read after a crazy day of driving back and forth between my house and my daughter’s!

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  22. peopledonteatenoughfudge says:

    Do they do them in larger sizes (I’m asking for a friend … )

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  23. I am now quite thankful that I’ve never heard of these kinds of shoes! I have a similar amount of hate for shoes that light up. When I was a preschool teacher those things were awful at nap time. They’d light up the whole room at random!

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  24. Haha! I’ve had the same thoughts every single time I hear those squeakers! Also “A surefire way to make you want to murder a shoe company”

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  25. angelaweight says:

    Toni, I live near Richmond, VA now, but spent most of my life in Middle GA. Kroger rules!!!

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  26. angelaweight says:

    Amen to THAT. Thanks for your comment!

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  27. angelaweight says:

    OMG, I can’t imagine being a teacher and having to deal with those shoes.

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  28. angelaweight says:

    Don’t you dare, Sarah!

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  29. angelaweight says:

    Lol, pun intended, Cheryl.

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  30. angelaweight says:

    The zoo mailed it back to you? That’s some darn good customer service, Virginia!

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  31. angelaweight says:

    Lisa, I’m surprised that no one shot her. It would be understandable if they did.

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  32. angelaweight says:

    I was always okay with the light-up shoes until one night my 4 yo son had on a pair with red and blue lights. He was in the back seat as I was driving around, semi-lost, looking for a friend’s house. Every time he’d kick his feet, I thought the cops were pulling me over.

    Like

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