When Someone Calls You By the Wrong Name, Do You Correct Them?

Today, my older son Andrew celebrated an important adolescent rite of passage. He got braces. This means that he’ll be in much pain tonight…and that my boob lift fund is empty once again, sadly.

I know it’s essential for us moms to put ourselves first once in a while, but I couldn’t bear the thought of people noticing Andrew’s uncorrected overbite, while I proudly displayed a chest that could double as a chin rest or a mantel piece.

Back to the braces:

Once the brackets were in place, Dr. King came out to meet with me and  go over brushing and flossing and all that crap. I was pretty impressed with the guy up until he called Andrew Dwight. Not once, but twice.

Dwight? I don’t recall that being short for Andrew. It’s not like one of those weird “Peggy is short for Margaret” sort of nicknames, is it? I mean Dwight’s not a bad name. It’s still better than being called Caitlyn Jenner.

As the doc reached out to shake my hand and said “Call us if you need anything, Dwight,” Andrew and I gave each other that puzzled “shouldn’t one of us correct him?” look.

But we didn’t. Would you have? Not correcting someone when they call you the wrong thing can alter the course of your life, if you’re a kid.

In college, I had not one, but THREE roommates who went by names that were thrust upon them by first grade teachers they were too shy to correct. And the fact that 65% of people think our last name “Weight” is really “Wright” isn’t a good thing.

If we let this go too long, Andrew Weight could become Dwight Wright. (Well, it does rhyme nicely.) 

When we lived in Georgia, a mom I knew from Northwest Laurens Elementary School, greeted me every afternoon for two years with an enthusiastic “Hi, Emily!!!”

I meant to correct her, but kept putting it off, which made the prospect even more awkward. And, to be honest, I sort of liked being called Emily because it sounds better than Angela.

One night at a party, I was talking to my friend Luann, (which isn’t her real name but I’m changing it on purpose.) As the Northwest Laurens “wrong name mom” walked in the room, I commented…

“Oh look! There’s Laura. She’s such a sweetheart, but she thinks my name is Emily and I don’t know how to tell her it isn’t. She’s been calling me that for two years!”

Luann laughed and replied, “don’t feel bad. She’s called me Tina for four years now.”

I wonder if Laura calls her husband the wrong name also. Hopefully not during sex.

What about you? Do you correct people? Or just let them keep thinking your name is something different?

Or if you called someone by the wrong name, wouldn’t you want to be corrected? I think I would.

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What Have I Learned More From Today: Progressive Liberals or YouTube Videos About Wombat Poo?

You’d think by now I’d be old enough to know better than to get into a Facebook argument about transgender people with a bunch of “progressives.” Guess not.

You can’t just decide that you’re the opposite sex simply because you feel like you should be. And that glorified Vanity Fair cover? Nice Photoshopping. They could make the Geico caveman look like a lovely feminine model.

And how did he choose the name Caitlyn? Is Jenner not just a female, but a teenaged female? 

Tell ya what, progressives. I still feel 18. Though my birth certificate proves that I’m 41, I feel 18 trapped in a middle aged body. And I’m going to have a ton of cosmetic surgery to look 18 again. So you’d better say that I’m 18 or the media will call you ignorant and insensitive….regardless of what my birth certificate clearly states. 

Okay, enough of that nonsense and onto tonight’s hard news. According to Australian animal experts, wombats defecate 80 to 100 cubic shaped poo pellets a night.

This video deserves the “WTF am I watching at 1 a.m. when I should be asleep” award.

Just watch it. Please. You’ll thank me when you get to the homemade model of the wombat digestive tract. (I had to check and make sure I wasn’t stoned.)


Don’t you want to see more videos by that woman where she makes wild animal turds out of jello in the name of science? And don’t you love how Australians use the word “scat” to describe feces? 

That could cause a potentially disturbing language disconnect. “Well would you look at the time! I better scat! Don’t wanna be late.”

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May Funny Friday: Cinderella, Scooby Doo and Jimmy Buffett.

Hi Kids! It’s Funny Friday time again.

If you’ve been a Sanity follower for a while, then you’re familiar with FF. It’s a regular, collaborative feature published on the last Friday of every month. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by the photo.

Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below. Click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.


Funny Friday  150 X 150

Here’s today’s picture. It was submitted by Spatulas on Parade .

16 - Spatulas on Parade May 2015 (1)

1. PRINCE: “I thought she was supposed to be wearing a glass slipper.”

FAIRY GODMOTHER: “Son, even fairy tale producers are having to make cutbacks in this economy.”

2. “I don’t mean to keep flip flopping on this issue.”

3. Fred to Velma: “Look! A Clue!”

Velma to Fred: “I can’t see it because I’m still crawling around on the floor looking for my glasses from the last episode.”

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4.”I blew out my flip-flop. Stepped on a pop top. Cut my heel, had to cruise on back home.”

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(Great! Nothing like a song stuck in your head that makes you wanna drink at 9:23 in the morning.)

5. “Maybe I should save this and give it back to Bobby when he gets out of the hospital. I mean, the shark did bite off his left leg. Or was it his right? I don’t really want to have call him and ask. That’d be such an awkward conversation.”

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile.

Someone Else’s Genius

Confessions of a part-time working mom

The Momisodes 

Spatulas on Parade

Juicebox Confession

Stacy Sews and Schools

People Don’t Eat Enough Fudge

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Follow me home

Measurements of Merriment

Southern Belle Charm

Silence of the Mom

Baking In A Tornado

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What’s With the Buttocks Shaped Parking Lots Around Here?

I don’t remember parking lots in Georgia being like this. But every parking lot in the strip malls of Richmond Suburbia seems to unfortunately and inexplicably be shaped like a buttocks, complete with centrally located entry/exit corridor.

To see what I’m talking about, visit Walmart on Hull Street/Warbro, or Kohl’s next to Taget or Old Navy across the street or Martin’s on Hull Street…all shaped like human rear ends.

In any regular parking lot, one would think that if you pull out of your parking space and head toward the street, there’ll be an exit a few yards to the right or left where you can pull into traffic. Here in RVA, that sort of reasoning will just cause you to drive in circles, stuck in the left or right butt cheek, until you realize you have to head back toward the stores to access the parking lot entrance/exit anus which separates the two cheeks.

see homemade exhibit a.

Screenshot 2015-05-28 at 3.51.52 PM

I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t even think about it anymore. The other day, with another mom in the car, I mumbled to myself “Oh yeah, I’ve gotta head back toward the anus.”

I wonder if the road design engineers got a big chuckle thinking about stupid American consumers driving in and out of a rectal cavity to spend their money. Really, though, when you think about capitalism and our materialistic society, the symbolism is spot on.

To read more disturbing observations like this one, click here to download my ebook. It’s only $2.99 and makes great reading for when you’ve given up finding the parking lot exit and decide to just sit in your car for a while.

angela book cover

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If You Were a Fly on the Wall in my Life-Vol II-Sleazy Baseball Moves

Welcome to this month’s Fly on the Wall group post. Today 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my life for a while.

Tonight James, Andrew and Jack are glued to the Rockets-Warriors game. How am I supposed to pay attention when the players’ shoes are constantly squeaking up and down the court? I bet if you took a person who was born blind to a basketball game, they’d probably think it was being played by really talkative birds. Of course, why would you take a blind person to a basketball game? That’d be kind of cruel. Like challenging them to a game of Eye Spy.

Throughout the month, in preparation for this post, I make little notes on my phone of funny things I want to remember. But then, reading them later, I’m like “what?” Here are a few examples.

Jordan Box

Alien Hillbillies

Never trust a plastic hippo.

Graffiti Stencils: ANDREW: I wonder if gangs ever use stencils for their graffiti. It would be funny if they sold them at Michael’s or Hobby Lobby. “Excuse me, do you have the twelve-inch Crips logo in Comic Sans font?”

crips

Crack Black- A couple other moms, Nicole and Karyn (we’re trouble together) and I were watching the Rattlers (Andrew’s baseball team) and noticed that the middle seam on the back of their white pants were all dirty, like “black” dirty. Karyn says “Instead of eye black, it looks like they’re passing around a stick of crack black.” So, we spent the next 20 minutes or so making up ad slogans for Crack Black. The best I came up with was “Crack Black-for when the sun’s glare is too much for your moon.” Yeah, it still needs some work.

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Andrew, laying down a tag and a round house kick. Hope he remembered the Crack Black.

What if God was a Little League coach? I bet it’d be sort of intimidating to the other teams. “Great! We’re playing God’s team tonight. They go undefeated every year.”

Imagine if you had to be the umpire for that game. Talk abut pressure!

Speaking of baseball, I saw something the other night that completely floored me. My nine-year-old, Jack’s team was playing against a team that shall remain nameless. Okay, I’ll call them Scott.

Jack was at short stop and Scott had runners on first and third. Suddenly the kid on first takes off to steal. Halfway there, he trips over his own feet, falls face first and just lies there in the fetal position in the baseline. Concerned about the injured kid, the coaches run out to check on him. Meanwhile the kid at third runs home and scores. The catcher then tries to get him out, but it’s too late. And the fetal position kid jumps up and trots to second, where Jack tagged him. But the run still counted.

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A cute photo of Jack after the crap baseball game. We peat them 14-7, by the way.

Did you follow all that? Total crap baseball! And their coach acted like his trick play was the most brilliant thing since Crack Black. You should NEVER want to win that badly that you fake an injured player. Did the coach do drills for that move at practice? “Okay, boys, let’s go over the ‘fall-on-your-face-move. And make it look real this time!”

Sitting among all the parents at that game made me feel sort of guilty for having all my teeth.

In other news…

ME: “OW!” (Hitting my elbow really hard, getting out of the car.)

JACK: “I know why they call it a funny bone.”

ME: “Why?”

JACK: “Because when you hurt it, everyone else thinks it’s funny.”

ANDREW: “I wonder what kind of hand gestures birds give each other when they get mad in traffic.”

“That robin in the SUV over there just shot me a human!”

JACK (grabbing the basketball): “Mom, let’s play the long version of HORSE.”

ME: “What’s that called?”

JACK: “CHUPACABRA.”

MY MOM: “looks like my Digitalis is coming up.”

ME: “Digitalis? Sounds like something you’d have to give a urine specimen for. Oh no! He tested positive for Digitalis!”

Digitalis_Purpurea

It was the worst case of Digitalis I’d ever seen!

The other day I heard someone mention their “cousin twice removed.” What the crap does that term mean anyway? Makes the relative sound like a basal cell carcinoma. “I went to the dermatologist to have my cousin removed again today. That’s twice now!”

If you’ve gotta remove someone twice, you should just get a restraining order. 

andy removal

Looks like we’re trying to remove my cousin Andy. But we’re not. Love these guys.

Last week, we celebrated my cat Anakin’s seventh rescue anniversary, or “gotcha day.” My parents were never able to remember his name.

"Have I told you lately that I hate you?"

“Have I told you lately that I hate you?”

MOM: “Awww, Ambien’s letting me pet him.”

DAD “Here kitty. Come here, Heineken!”

(My dad passed away last March and never once called the cat anything but Heineken. And my mom still calls him Ambien. That really tells you a lot about my parents.)

That’s all I’ve got for this Fly on the Wall. Buzz around a few other bloggers’ posts and see what’s happening at their houses.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                       Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                  Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                      Follow Me Home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/             Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                              Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                               Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                            The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                       Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                                Disneyland in Kentucky

http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                 Searching for Sanity

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                             The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                   Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                         Juicebox Confession

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The Great Weight Family Foreign Exchange Student Hosting Debate

It’s flooding outside and I can’t find my Adderall prescription. I’ve been taking the stuff for 16 years and still don’t know if I spelled it right.

Do you ever have one of those serendipitous experiences where an idea keeps being brought up by people who are completely unrelated to each other? (I think I spelled serendipitous right.) Something you’d never think about on your own, so you decide that it must be a message from God.

Like the other day, for example, I was pretty sure that God wanted us to host a foreign exchange student. (This is different from last week when God told me to eat a whole jar of Nutella. I wish he’d told me to wipe my mouth before leaving the house.)

Anyway, my old neighbors from California, Ronda and Katie came to visit. They’re awesomely fun people who have hosted a dozen students from foreign countries over the past few years. I assume they were students and not random homeless Asian kids who just happened to wander into the neighborhood.

ronda and katie

Katie, Ronda, Jack, Me and Andrew.

It all started when I complimented Ronda on her gorgeous handbag. “Thanks! I got it in Indonesia for like five dollars, when we went to see Caroline, the exchange student who lived with us last year.”

“Hmm. Maybe we could host a kid from Indonesia and she could bring me a purse like that,” I thought.

Later that day, Jack’s piano teacher, Mrs. Wenzel, somehow got off on the subject of all the kids they’d hosted from Ukraine and Germany and Switzerland. She and her husband are really excited about going to visit one of them this summer.

“What a coincidence,” I thought.

That same night Jack asked if we could host a student of our own.

“We should get one that can cook and clean and do yard work,” said Andrew.

“And maybe has carpentry skills,” I added. “I’ve been wanting to enclose the deck since we moved in.”

“We should try to get a tech support kid from India,” suggested Jack.

And here’s the kicker. The very next morning, I got an email from a lady who’s in charge of Chesterfield County’s international “get-a-kid-to-live-with-you-for-a-while” program. They’re looking for host families in our area.

I got excited, thinking it must be divinely orchestrated.

But then there was push back.

JAMES: “Honey! We’re at a baseball tournament every single weekend! No kid in their right mind would want to stay with us. We wouldn’t have any time for them.”

ME: “But think of all the stuff they could get done while we were out of the way. Think how proud their parents would be of the screened porch they built for the nice American family. And the koi pond. And the beautiful landscaping. Not to mention all the great pressure washing and painting experience they’d get when we redo the exterior of the house. What an awesome resume they’d go home with!”

ANDREW: “Don’t forget mowing the lawn every week.”

JACK: “And taking out the garbage.”

JAMES: “Angela, I think what you’re looking for was outlawed in 1865.”

I haven’t given up on the idea yet, though.

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Angela’s Unsolicited Parenting Advice – Kids Aren’t Helpless

Bear with me. I’ll get this parenting advice bee out of my bonnet soon and be back to self deprecating humor. 

parenting advice graphic

Practice saying this to little Johnny (or Ronnie or whatever the Hell your kid’s name is).

“I am NOT your pack mule. You do not hand me stuff to carry that you’re perfectly capable of toting, yourself. ”

“I am DEFINITELY NOT your trash receptacle. Do NOT hand me your empty chips bag or string cheese wrapper or juice box or wadded up napkins or anything else that you’re done with….Locate a garbage can (or recycling bin) and throw the stuff away. Mommy will watch from over here and applaud your independence.”

-said Angela to no one in particular

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Is That What They Do Up Here In Virginia Schools?

File Under “Did We Really Just Have This Conversation?”

At the dinner table tonight…

ANDREW: “Today we learned that the elbow has hardly any nerve endings, so it’s not sensitive at all. Like you could be standing there and somebody could sneak up and lick you on the elbow and you might not even feel it.”

ME: “What the Crap! Why would somebody want to lick your elbow? Why wouldn’t they tap your elbow or flick it?” 

ANDREW: “I don’t know! It was just the example the teacher used. I think it was a scientific study or something.”

ME: “Seriously?

ANDREW: “Well, maybe…..Or not….. I don’t really remember.”

JAMES: “Do they do that sort of thing up here in Virginia schools? Is that how girls flirt nowadays? They sneak up and lick your elbow?”

ME: “How would you know they were flirting if you couldn’t even feel it? Seems sort of pointless to me.”

JACK: “I’m gonna try it tomorrow.”

ME: “Well that’ll be interesting to explain to the principal. ‘My son’s really into science and was testing out nerve endings. He’s uh…gifted.'”

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I couldn’t find any family dinner photos, but here’s one of Andrew and Jack and a monitor lizard. That’s close enough.


For great reading (at the dinner table or any table) click here to download my book. At just $2.99, it costs less than a tall Starbucks frappuccino, but lasts longer…and is way funnier. (Not that frappuccinos are all that funny.)

That might be me in the box.

angela book cover

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Instantly Ageless? Do Egg Whites Remove Under-Eye Bags? My Own Experiment (with unflattering selfies)

(If you’re easily offended and/or Canadian, please read with caution.)

The other day, my friend Jennifer posted on Facebook that she was looking for advice on products to remove (or at least hide) the dark circles under her eyes. I, too, suffer from this unfortunate, age-related affliction.

(My under-eye bags can get so large and dark that it looks like I’ve stuffed them with yard clippings. Like Jennifer, I’m searching for a treatment that works and costs less than a new set of breasts.)

In response to Jenn’s question, someone posted a video of a woman named Bekki (with two k’s, like she’s got something against c’s), from British Columbia demonstrating a miracle product called Instantly Ageless. I was super excited to watch it and discover that Canadians also suffer from baggy eyes.

The stuff seemed to work magic. No camera tricks. No edited before and after photos. Bekki rubbed the mucus-like fluid under her eyes and then engaged her viewers in awkward, unrehearsed small talk. The camera was on her the whole time. And amazingly enough….her dark eye bags vanished within a couple of minutes.

(Here’s the video of Bekki. She keeps saying how much “fun” it is to use this product. Maybe she was just released from captivity or something.)

I immediately Googled Instantly Ageless and found it on Amazon.com. The dozens of reviews were less than glowing, which led me to think that in all her “fun,” Bekki had neglected to tell us a few things.

One reviewer wrote,”You can do the same thing with egg whites.”

“Seriously? egg whites?” What made someone choose to rub egg whites on their face to see if it would cause them to look younger? Or did they just happen to have egg whites on their face for some other reason and suddenly realized that their eye bags were gone? Perhaps there was a meringue making disaster involving an out-of-control Kitchen Aid mixer. Can you imagine that conversation?

“Sorry, Doris. Gotta hang up. I’ve got meringue all over my face, but OH MY GOD! I look 20 again!”

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I’d just bought a dozen eggs and was more than willing to sacrifice one in the name of science and inexpensive eye bag removal.

IMG_1939

Above is my before photo. I’m wearing no makeup (and clearly have no shame.) Notice the bag, half-circle crease under my left eye, but it’s on the right because you’re facing me. It’s always more noticeable than the other one, as if my left eye has had a tougher life than my right one.

IMG_1941

(I didn’t take any photos while applying this to my face. Just picture it in your head, if you can.)

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This is about five minutes after smearing egg white under my eyes. Holy Crap! It’s working! I can definitely tell a difference! Grab an egg and try it yourself if you don’t believe me!

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UNBELIEVABLE!!!! Ten minutes later. The bag is gone. This is insane!!!!

It’s also starting to dry and feels sort of crusty. How will I apply foundation over this? And what if it starts to flake off, like some strange, random patch of facial dandruff?

With my new found youth, I decided to take the dogs for a walk.

ONE HOUR LATER

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We’re back! CRAP!!! The bag is back too! Seriously? And now I need Botox between my eyebrows too.

So, I guess egg whites do work to remove eye bags. But you have to reapply it every hour, which means I’d have to start carrying eggs with me whenever I leave the house. And where would I store them? Can’t just toss them in my purse with my lipstick, unless I kept them in the egg carton. I’d need a refrigerated purse and I don’t think they’ve been invented yet.

Of course, freshly laid eggs don’t need refrigeration. But then I’d have to buy my own laying hens…and build a hen house. And how would I explain that to people? “Yeah, I raise chickens in order to look younger.”

I could start selling the eggs as specially formulated “youth renewal” eggs. Maybe Instantly Ageless is nothing more than egg whites in fancy packaging. Leave it to Canadians to come up with such brilliance.

angela book cover

For more humor like this, click here to download my book. Proceeds will go toward my eye bag correction fund…or a new set of boobs.

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April Funny Friday: Easter Candy, Boobs, Baseballs and Tropical Islands

Funny Friday, April 2015

Today’s post is this month’s Funny Friday, a regular feature published on the last Friday of every month. Funny Friday is a collaborative project. Each month one of the participants submits a picture, then we all write 5 captions or thoughts inspired by that month’s picture. Links to the other bloggers’ posts are below, click on them and see what they’ve come up with. I hope we bring a smile to your face as you start your weekend.

Funny Friday  150 X 150

Today’s picture was submitted by Bergham’s Life Chronicles .

15 - Bergham's Life Chronicles April 2015

1. Talk about rushing the holidays! We’re still eating Easter candy and Kroger’s already got pumpkins out!

2. “Make sure you pick two that are exactly the same size. You don’t wanna be walking around all lopsided. And don’t forget to cut the stems off or else people will think you’re feeling too perky.”

3. COACH to TEAM: “Quit complaining! I know they’re not Little League approved, but they’re all we’ve got.”

4. SCHOOL NURSE: “Great! Another dodge ball injury. This is what happens when you cut physical education funding.”

5. Just a few miles south of Easter Island, explorers recently discovered the tiny and obscure Halloween Island. There are no tall face statues here, but the main pumpkin features an unfortunately shaped buttocks.

and a bonus

6. When life gives you pumpkins, make pumpkin-ade. (One sip will make you really grateful for the lemons.)

For more laughter, click here to download my ebook, Just Kidding (Not Really).

Click on the links below and let some other bloggers make you smile:

Baking In A Tornado

Someone Else’s Genius

Confessions of a part-time working mom

The Momisodes

Spatulas on Parade

Juicebox Confession

Stacy Sews and Schools

People Don’t Eat Enough Fudge

The Bergham’s Life Chronicles

Follow me home

Measurements of Merriment

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