Angela Weight

You’d think by now I’d be old enough to know better than to get into a Facebook argument about transgender people with a bunch of “progressives.” Guess not.

You can’t just decide that you’re the opposite sex simply because you feel like you should be. And that glorified Vanity Fair cover? Nice Photoshopping. They could make the Geico caveman look like a lovely feminine model.

And how did he choose the name Caitlyn? Is Jenner not just a female, but a teenaged female? 

Tell ya what, progressives. I still feel 18. Though my birth certificate proves that I’m 41, I feel 18 trapped in a middle aged body. And I’m going to have a ton of cosmetic surgery to look 18 again. So you’d better say that I’m 18 or the media will call you ignorant and insensitive….regardless of what my birth certificate clearly states. 

Okay, enough of that nonsense and onto tonight’s hard news. According to Australian animal experts, wombats defecate 80 to 100 cubic shaped poo pellets a night.

This video deserves the “WTF am I watching at 1 a.m. when I should be asleep” award.

Just watch it. Please. You’ll thank me when you get to the homemade model of the wombat digestive tract. (I had to check and make sure I wasn’t stoned.)

Don’t you want to see more videos by that woman where she makes wild animal turds out of jello in the name of science? And don’t you love how Australians use the word “scat” to describe feces? 

That could cause a potentially disturbing language disconnect. “Well would you look at the time! I better scat! Don’t wanna be late.”

I don’t remember parking lots in Georgia being like this. But every parking lot in the strip malls of Richmond Suburbia seems to unfortunately and inexplicably be shaped like a buttocks, complete with centrally located entry/exit corridor.

To see what I’m talking about, visit Walmart on Hull Street/Warbro, or Kohl’s next to Taget or Old Navy across the street or Martin’s on Hull Street…all shaped like human rear ends.

In any regular parking lot, one would think that if you pull out of your parking space and head toward the street, there’ll be an exit a few yards to the right or left where you can pull into traffic. Here in RVA, that sort of reasoning will just cause you to drive in circles, stuck in the left or right butt cheek, until you realize you have to head back toward the stores to access the parking lot entrance/exit anus which separates the two cheeks.

see homemade exhibit a.

I’ve gotten so used to it that I don’t even think about it anymore. The other day, with another mom in the car, I mumbled to myself “Oh yeah, I’ve gotta head back toward the anus.”

I wonder if the road design engineers got a big chuckle thinking about stupid American consumers driving in and out of a rectal cavity to spend their money. Really, though, when you think about capitalism and our materialistic society, the symbolism is spot on.

To read more disturbing observations like this one, click here to download my ebook. It’s only $2.99 and makes great reading for when you’ve given up finding the parking lot exit and decide to just sit in your car for a while.

Welcome to this month’s Fly on the Wall group post. Today 15 bloggers are inviting you to catch a glimpse of what you’d see if you were a fly on the wall in our homes. Come on in and buzz around my life for a while.

Tonight James, Andrew and Jack are glued to the Rockets-Warriors game. How am I supposed to pay attention when the players’ shoes are constantly squeaking up and down the court? I bet if you took a person who was born blind to a basketball game, they’d probably think it was being played by really talkative birds. Of course, why would you take a blind person to a basketball game? That’d be kind of cruel. Like challenging them to a game of Eye Spy.

Throughout the month, in preparation for this post, I make little notes on my phone of funny things I want to remember. But then, reading them later, I’m like “what?” Here are a few examples.

Jordan Box

Alien Hillbillies

Never trust a plastic hippo.

Graffiti Stencils: ANDREW: I wonder if gangs ever use stencils for their graffiti. It would be funny if they sold them at Michael’s or Hobby Lobby. “Excuse me, do you have the twelve-inch Crips logo in Comic Sans font?”

Crack Black- A couple other moms, Nicole and Karyn (we’re trouble together) and I were watching the Rattlers (Andrew’s baseball team) and noticed that the middle seam on the back of their white pants were all dirty, like “black” dirty. Karyn says “Instead of eye black, it looks like they’re passing around a stick of crack black.” So, we spent the next 20 minutes or so making up ad slogans for Crack Black. The best I came up with was “Crack Black-for when the sun’s glare is too much for your moon.” Yeah, it still needs some work.

Andrew, laying down a tag and a round house kick. Hope he remembered the Crack Black.

What if God was a Little League coach? I bet it’d be sort of intimidating to the other teams. “Great! We’re playing God’s team tonight. They go undefeated every year.”

Imagine if you had to be the umpire for that game. Talk abut pressure!

Speaking of baseball, I saw something the other night that completely floored me. My nine-year-old, Jack’s team was playing against a team that shall remain nameless. Okay, I’ll call them Scott.

Jack was at short stop and Scott had runners on first and third. Suddenly the kid on first takes off to steal. Halfway there, he trips over his own feet, falls face first and just lies there in the fetal position in the baseline. Concerned about the injured kid, the coaches run out to check on him. Meanwhile the kid at third runs home and scores. The catcher then tries to get him out, but it’s too late. And the fetal position kid jumps up and trots to second, where Jack tagged him. But the run still counted.

A cute photo of Jack after the crap baseball game. We peat them 14-7, by the way.

Did you follow all that? Total crap baseball! And their coach acted like his trick play was the most brilliant thing since Crack Black. You should NEVER want to win that badly that you fake an injured player. Did the coach do drills for that move at practice? “Okay, boys, let’s go over the ‘fall-on-your-face-move. And make it look real this time!”

Sitting among all the parents at that game made me feel sort of guilty for having all my teeth.

In other news…

ME: “OW!” (Hitting my elbow really hard, getting out of the car.)

JACK: “I know why they call it a funny bone.”

ME: “Why?”

JACK: “Because when you hurt it, everyone else thinks it’s funny.”

ANDREW: “I wonder what kind of hand gestures birds give each other when they get mad in traffic.”

“That robin in the SUV over there just shot me a human!”

JACK (grabbing the basketball): “Mom, let’s play the long version of HORSE.”

ME: “What’s that called?”

JACK: “CHUPACABRA.”

MY MOM: “looks like my Digitalis is coming up.”

ME: “Digitalis? Sounds like something you’d have to give a urine specimen for. Oh no! He tested positive for Digitalis!”

It was the worst case of Digitalis I’d ever seen!

The other day I heard someone mention their “cousin twice removed.” What the crap does that term mean anyway? Makes the relative sound like a basal cell carcinoma. “I went to the dermatologist to have my cousin removed again today. That’s twice now!”

If you’ve gotta remove someone twice, you should just get a restraining order. 

Looks like we’re trying to remove my cousin Andy. But we’re not. Love these guys.

Last week, we celebrated my cat Anakin’s seventh rescue anniversary, or “gotcha day.” My parents were never able to remember his name.

“Have I told you lately that I hate you?”

MOM: “Awww, Ambien’s letting me pet him.”

DAD “Here kitty. Come here, Heineken!”

(My dad passed away last March and never once called the cat anything but Heineken. And my mom still calls him Ambien. That really tells you a lot about my parents.)

That’s all I’ve got for this Fly on the Wall. Buzz around a few other bloggers’ posts and see what’s happening at their houses.

http://www.BakingInATornado.com                       Baking In A Tornado

http://spatulasonparade.blogspot.com/                  Spatulas on Parade

http://followmehome.shellybean.com                      Follow Me Home

http://www.menopausalmom.com/                          Menopausal Mother

http://stacysewsandschools.blogspot.com/             Stacy Sews and Schools

http://batteredhope.blogspot.com                              Battered Hope

http://www.justalittlenutty.com/                               Just A Little Nutty

http://themomisodes.com                                            The Momisodes

http://www.someoneelsesgenius.com                       Someone Else’s Genius

http://gndisney.wordpress.com                                Disneyland in Kentucky

http://singlemumplusone.blogspot.com                 Searching for Sanity

http://thesadderbutwisergirl.com                             The Sadder But Wiser Girl

http://dinoheromommy.com/                                   Dinosaur Superhero Mommy

http://www.juiceboxconfession.com                         Juicebox Confession