Things That Make Me Laugh

Driving behind a garbage truck:

ME: “That STINKS!!! It smells like raw poop!”

JACK: “Well, Mom, have you ever smelled cooked poop?”


This beauty came from our friend Cole, the catcher on Andrew’s baseball team.

COLE: “The other team has a set of really good twins. And you know they’re not identical. They’re nocturnal.”


ME: “I wish there was a place like the Humane Society where you could take fish”

JACK: “Yeah, for all those stray fish we’re always seeing on the side of the road?”

“I know this place like the back of my head.”

JAMES: “I really want to go see American Sniper.”

ANDREW: “The movie?”

JAMES: “No, Son, the game show.”


I recently found a scrap of paper that I’d used to write a quote from Andrew when he was four because I didn’t want to forget it.

ANDREW: “I’ve got that song from last night stuck in my hair and I can’t quit singing it!”


ME: you sound all stuffy. Hope you’re not getting a cold.”

JACK: I might have mesothelioma. If I do, then there’s a number we should call.”

“Wouldn’t it be cool if we cried tears made of Apple juice? Then when you get thirsty, you can just work up a good cry.”

(Jack examining his dad’s wrist bone)
“Wow, you’ve got an Adam’s Apple in your wrist!”

(Jack singing in the bathroom to the tune of “Friends in Low Places”): “Cause I’ve got friends of different races…”

(Jack holding out candy bucket for trick-or-treaters)

“Grab a handful….No, no, no, that’s too much!”


MY FRIEND SHARI: “Every time I jump on the trampoline, I wind up having to go change my pants.”


Some Anne Lamott Book I was reading in the tub.

“My life was deteriorating faster than I could lower my standards.” (is that a great line, or what!)


Jack and me painting a picture

ME: “I like the streaks you’re adding. They add depth. Do you know what depth is?”

JACK: “Like Johnny Depth from Pirates of the Carribbean?”


MY NEIGHBOR LEAH: “I don’t agree with wearing fur either, but minks aren’t some rare, exotic, precious animal. They’re really just soft weasels.”


On the way to baseball practice…

ME: “I think we’re lost.”

ANDREW: “Looks like we’re in the ghetto.”

JACK: “That’s not the ghetto. It’s the hood.”


ANDREW “Mom, these pork chops taste like sponges.”

JACK: “Now that I’ve got my very own hatchet, I’m gonna chop down a cherry tree and lie to you about it.”


ANDREW: (sneezing, coughing, etc)

ME: “Here, lemme get you some medicine for that cold.”

ANDREW: “No, I need to still be sick in the morning so I can stay home from school.”

ME: “Don’t worry. It only works for six hours. You’ll be plenty sick tomorrow morning.”

ANDREW: “Ok, good. Oh, wait. Tomorrow’s a half day. I don’t want to skip that. Do you have any medicine that’ll make me well tonight and tomorrow but have me sick again on Thursday?”

ME: “Lemme check.”


JAMES: ‘Honey, the next house we get is going to have one story….at the very most!”


JACK: “I met a kid named Silas today at school. He’s very undomesticated.”

ME: “You mean he’s wild.”

JACK: “Yes, but I’m trying to use vocabulary words.”


ANDREW: “We learned greetings in Spanish today.”

ME: “Like what?”

ANDREW: “Aloha.”


JACK (running up to me from playing ball): “I’m all sweaty and salty. I taste amazing. Here, try me.”


“More and more parents-to-be are choosing not to learn the gender of their obstetrician.” –The Onion

“An apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough.”-posted on Facebook

“If it’s the thought that counts, I should probably be in jail.”-seen on a magnet

“I like to think that coffee needs me too.”-another magnet (of course I didn’t buy it. Just took a photo. Does that make me cheap?)

“Unless life also gives you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.”


Jack age three and me in the grocery store at the meat counter

JACK: “These look like red worms.”

ME: “It’s ground beef. It comes from cows.”

JACK: “Do we ever eat ground up people?”

ME: “Oh my gosh, NO!”

JACK: “Not even bad people?”

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